[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
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You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]