Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
You Might Also Like
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties