[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
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At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”