Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad