Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
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Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
In space, no one can hear…
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?