kitchen magnet
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[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me