[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
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Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
How dramatic are you?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?