[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
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Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Woke up against my better judgment again
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Worlds greatest photobomb
found this cool rock hiking today
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?