[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
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Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
✌️
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?