Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
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WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*