*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
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My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
for all #parents out there
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Who does Amazon think I am?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”