Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
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[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.