knights of the ikea table
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me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.