@TeaAndCopy

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

You Might Also Like

@AbrasiveGhost

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

@Michael1979

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

@CruelMeiga

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

@kristabellerina

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

@mstern68

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

@UnFitz

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

@sad_tree

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

@HansGrubertron

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

@SexytotheNorth

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.