[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
You Might Also Like
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next