[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me


If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:


If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:



Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.


You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’


“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”


When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.


*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.


*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.