[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
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I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.