[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
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[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
bro what is going on at twitter
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds