*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.