-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Sunday
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…