knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
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if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
i’m still crying at this
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.