“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
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Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
jesus, what did this guy do
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN