*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
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me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them