“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
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When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.