[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
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Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.