[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
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Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner