[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
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Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
😂😂😂
There is no try. There is only give up.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.