*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
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When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics