*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.