@ilovecuredmeats

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

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@KevinBuffalo

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

@GrowlyGrego

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

@SavageDabs69

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

@I___Aphrodite

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

@Gupton68

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

@zuza_real

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

@Book_Krazy

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

@dadpickupline

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

@Bizarro_Mark

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.