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pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I am crying
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.