“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK