Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
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About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own