Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.