Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going