Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
You Might Also Like
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Ooh I do like a good funnel
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
finally
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.