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Cardio Made Easy
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping