Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
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at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I donât know whatâs a video game and whatâs a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder âhow the hell did I get that?â
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Iâve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could âseeâ where it was going, so Iâm not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesnât exist and is just apart of my imagination
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money đ
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
my four year old daughter is calling geese âhonkeysâ and I should probably correct her but I wonât
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: âIf you donât leave now, Iâm calling the police.â
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, youâd never know.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute littleâŚwhat’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.