[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
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Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
A small tragedy.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.