[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
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When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
This is not me but this is me
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?