Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
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If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”