Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
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me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.