Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
You Might Also Like
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My current situation
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I feel attacked.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.