Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
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I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.