Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
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If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
scares
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.