Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.