Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
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I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Good morning, Twitter x
Every house has this drawer
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.