Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
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This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.