@MarfSalvador [bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
@StarWarsProblms Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
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@MarfSalvador 
@13spencer A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
@SunnyGirl1717 I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
@panmidwest *pronounces carrot like tarot*
@GabbbarSingh Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
@Birdhumms I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
@WheelTod Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
@GianDoh Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
@MomOnFire A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.