Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
You Might Also Like
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.