@Reverend_Scott

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

@Reverend_Scott

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

@OneyeBogey

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

@scootergonscoot

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

@joanne_gannon

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

@hellohappy_time

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

@DrLickenstein

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

@rachelle_mandik

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

@_SetTheHook_

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

@ieatanddrink

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound