Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
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Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Name another movie that mislead you?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle