[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
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I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass