[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
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Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary